Sunday, October 18, 2009

Return of the Big Craven Boaby

Stop right here. Go someplace else. This is not happy, I'm not happy and I'm going to moan and whine. Run Run I tell you. Run for your life.

We lost a client's house. No that's not absolutely correct. It's not as if we put it down someplace and now it is gone. We missed that an auction was scheduled and she never let us know when she got the letters in the mail telling her so. It's part of our contract that they have to keep s informed. I still feel so badly. I can't cry because Prozac won't let me and I was ok till last night but then the fear and sorrow sen it and I did a long sleep which is always a sure sign that I'm falling deeper into my depession. There's nothing we can do about it and since this is the first time this has happened I don;t know how to handle it.

My head has always made me responsible for everything and when something goes wrong it is immediatley my fault. And while I'm busy doing something else my head will suddenly remind me of something 'bad' I once did and the guilt comes in. My 'bad' is not nearly as bad as it could be. It's more stupid things like a lie I told in childhood or if I was rude to someone. My head doesn't remind me of the good I try to do. I suppose because, sinve my bads aren't horribly bad my goods aren't amazingly good.

I head my head. I've needed to call mu doc for a new prozac prescription and now I'm worried that I'll have to have a physical before it is prescribed for me and I cannot afford that.

I really wish I could cry and I wasn't always so scared.

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