and now

we may be kicked out of the office I want to cry.

Why do I find titling my posts the hardest thing to do

I had a doctor appointment the other day. I don't go to a doctor, rather a nurse practitioner who has been my medical provider for almost 15 years. It was time for a physical so she could keep prescribing for me. Being uninsured, of course the money was a concern but even more than that I didn't want her to see me as I have become.

Never a beauty at the best of times, I have not sunk into old age gracefully. I'm missing teeth, my glasses are held together by wire and tape. I'm fat, frumpy fat. I'm trying to grow out my hair one more time but it's taking forever and I've taken to pulling on it when stressed and that's not to mention the hideous rash spread across both of my lower legs and has been there for nearly two years.

Even worse, if things could get worse, I feel poor. We've never had much money but now I am suddenly aware of all I never had. I'm not talking diamonds. I had one once but we had to sell it to pay the mortgage. I'm talking lights that work (you know what electricians charge), furniture that matches or wasn't picked up curbside. Maybe buying new clothes once in awhile and NOT have to go thrift shopping for anything. I would love to go on one of those art retreats like art and soul but that will never happen. I carry all of that around with me and more piles on me each day. And I was sick for so long with the flu and then an abcessed tooth that I find I have become so very very fragile.

My birthday was a wash. Oh yes we got the snow that I requested and for the first time in years the husband gave me a present of his choosing. Usually I get nothing. This year the sons couldn't even be bothered to WISH me a happy birthday and they managed to avoid the lets all go out to dinner for my birthday dinner, till I gave up. Even a person or two who I thought was my friends and was very indignant last year that the men did nothing for my birthday, did not even wish me a happy birthday this year.

I am now broken. Younger son treats me like I'm something nasty he stepped in. When he speaks to me I hear an unspoken dumb shit at the end of it and definitely do hear the most evident heavy sigh at the beginning of an answer to my questions to him. Simple things like what would he like for lunch? heavy sigh and then some answer. He comes home and says nothing, not even hello. He did make me one cup of tea one of the days I was sick but I think he was just feeling guilty because he brought the sickness into the house.

I'm not laying the blame directly on him. Other things have conspired in the breakage of mine. False friends, useless dreams, pain, disappointment. It's in every line on my face, the slump of my shoulders, the sag of my clothes.

And then I have to go for a physical.

The receptionist was stunned when I had no insurance card to show her. I had to leave the cost of the physical with her as a deposit and then pay the rest once the appointment was over. It didn't matter that I had been going there or 15 years, So I handed over the $200.00. I had no choice. I need my meds. Then the nurses aide who took me back was so sweet and friendly but I didn't want to speak much because she would see those missing teeth of mine.

Well to cut to the chase, Jane (my np) was her usual sweet self. Gave me the scripts I needed and even asked if I'd like something for the abcessed tooth as she and I well knew that I wouldn't be seeing a dentist any time soon. Do you know what dentists charge. Most of all she wrote down that it wasn't a physical but a follow up and that saved me $105 that was mostly sucked up by all the scripts even with Wal-Mart prices. It was a bit of a lift to my spirits but I am too broken to be mended. And since no one reads this blog anyway. I suppose they will not miss it. The broken promises, the false friends, the humiliation, the poverty, the always ready to rescue someone but am never rescued in return..... it is all too much. And I am broken.