and now

we may be kicked out of the office I want to cry.

Why do I find titling my posts the hardest thing to do

I had a doctor appointment the other day. I don't go to a doctor, rather a nurse practitioner who has been my medical provider for almost 15 years. It was time for a physical so she could keep prescribing for me. Being uninsured, of course the money was a concern but even more than that I didn't want her to see me as I have become.

Never a beauty at the best of times, I have not sunk into old age gracefully. I'm missing teeth, my glasses are held together by wire and tape. I'm fat, frumpy fat. I'm trying to grow out my hair one more time but it's taking forever and I've taken to pulling on it when stressed and that's not to mention the hideous rash spread across both of my lower legs and has been there for nearly two years.

Even worse, if things could get worse, I feel poor. We've never had much money but now I am suddenly aware of all I never had. I'm not talking diamonds. I had one once but we had to sell it to pay the mortgage. I'm talking lights that work (you know what electricians charge), furniture that matches or wasn't picked up curbside. Maybe buying new clothes once in awhile and NOT have to go thrift shopping for anything. I would love to go on one of those art retreats like art and soul but that will never happen. I carry all of that around with me and more piles on me each day. And I was sick for so long with the flu and then an abcessed tooth that I find I have become so very very fragile.

My birthday was a wash. Oh yes we got the snow that I requested and for the first time in years the husband gave me a present of his choosing. Usually I get nothing. This year the sons couldn't even be bothered to WISH me a happy birthday and they managed to avoid the lets all go out to dinner for my birthday dinner, till I gave up. Even a person or two who I thought was my friends and was very indignant last year that the men did nothing for my birthday, did not even wish me a happy birthday this year.

I am now broken. Younger son treats me like I'm something nasty he stepped in. When he speaks to me I hear an unspoken dumb shit at the end of it and definitely do hear the most evident heavy sigh at the beginning of an answer to my questions to him. Simple things like what would he like for lunch? heavy sigh and then some answer. He comes home and says nothing, not even hello. He did make me one cup of tea one of the days I was sick but I think he was just feeling guilty because he brought the sickness into the house.

I'm not laying the blame directly on him. Other things have conspired in the breakage of mine. False friends, useless dreams, pain, disappointment. It's in every line on my face, the slump of my shoulders, the sag of my clothes.

And then I have to go for a physical.

The receptionist was stunned when I had no insurance card to show her. I had to leave the cost of the physical with her as a deposit and then pay the rest once the appointment was over. It didn't matter that I had been going there or 15 years, So I handed over the $200.00. I had no choice. I need my meds. Then the nurses aide who took me back was so sweet and friendly but I didn't want to speak much because she would see those missing teeth of mine.

Well to cut to the chase, Jane (my np) was her usual sweet self. Gave me the scripts I needed and even asked if I'd like something for the abcessed tooth as she and I well knew that I wouldn't be seeing a dentist any time soon. Do you know what dentists charge. Most of all she wrote down that it wasn't a physical but a follow up and that saved me $105 that was mostly sucked up by all the scripts even with Wal-Mart prices. It was a bit of a lift to my spirits but I am too broken to be mended. And since no one reads this blog anyway. I suppose they will not miss it. The broken promises, the false friends, the humiliation, the poverty, the always ready to rescue someone but am never rescued in return..... it is all too much. And I am broken.

PIssing and moaning and feeling sorry for myself.

I hae been sick for nearly a week and don't feel as if I am getting any better. If I ad healthy insurance I would go to the doc but who wants to pay $100 plus to have someone tell you you're sick and you just have to ride it out?
When I man is sick he gets to piss and moan and lay about the house while when I am sick I am doing data entry from home and was requested to do a load of dished and woken from a nap because some idiot at the office didn't read his computer screen and click on what he was supposed to click on. Nor when a man, ok the Husman is sick I handle it all while all he has done is nudge me to make sure a mailing will go out this week. After a major 400 data entry items today he says he'll print the stuff out tomorrowna dn I don't ahve to go into the office but then he's be calling me in a panic every fifteen seconds dso I might as well just bite the bullet.

He tells me not to talk and save what voide I have and then spends the evening asking me questions.

He was making younger son's lunch so I didn't get my germs all over the food but I had to stand there in the kitchen instructing him as to how to make a sandwhich (I AM NOT KIDDING) and then raged at me with hate on his face that I was making him look like and idiot. Sorry honey you did that long time ago.

I post on facebook and my posts are ignored. I sent out over 30 Christmas cards got 3 in return. Not even one from someone who is supposed to be a friend. Same friend expects me to remember her birthday but can't be troubled to send me a card on mine, even after we discuss it days ahead.

I am not ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. I'll take the express lane please. I just feel lost and lonely and under appreciated and if it wasn't for the dogs nd older son I would feel unloved. Older son has been doing the dinne and younger one actually gave me some meds and a cup of tea. Rocco watched eorriedly as I vomited and Olllie does silly Ollie things to make me laugh.

Yeah yeah I know pity poor me when there are people with real troubles but lie inside my skin for a bit and see how well it fits.

still sick

and my coughs are no longer sounding even human. I am amazed at the sounds that come out of my mouth when I try to cough. Just try not to cough when your body insists on it. My throat and chest are sore and tonight is the hot vaporiser and vapo rub. I have little to no voice and what I have sounds like Bob Cat goldthwaite or some tween boy who is coming into his grown up man voice. Squawks, honks and bellows. The good thing is that I can't go to work because I can't answer the phone but I can do the data entry at home.

I also got a birthday present I ordered for myself in today. 8 pounds of Turkish Delight. After that another present to me can be a pair of jeans in a larger size.

During my harking, hacking and honking fit earlier today it nearly strangled me and so into the bathroom I ran losing my lunch. Poor Rocco the wonder dog had no idea what the hell was going on but he was right there by my side, forehead all wrinkled and worried about Mommy. Sometimes his devotion can be rather touching. I just wish I was a good enough person to deserve it.

Oh one more thing

We've already started the litany of he wants to do something for my birthday but it's hard to think of something and he just wants me to let him off the hook. I told him last year that I don't want to hear the "I wish I did something better for your birthday" song because going by past years he DID NOTHING so anything should be an improvment.

I do not understand men

even though I am surrounded by them. I especially do not understand the Husband.
I am sick. I've been sick since Friday and am getting worse. The husband was all...I'll take care of the meals this weekend only to have him complain yesterday morning that it was an expensive thing to do. He told me to stay home from the office yesterday but as soon as he got in the door last evening I was scolded with a list of all that MUST BE DONE by me because he refuses to do anything connected with the computer because he is the Grand PooBAH and computer stuff is left to the likes of me. I'm not asking him to assemble a computer, or program it or any such nonsense. I'm asking him to open the book of all KNowledge, that holds all the proceedures for things done about the office and DO IT. I'm sicker than I have been since Friday but I MUST go into the office today. I have no idea if it'll be raining or if the office will have heat but Imust go because he WON'T learn how to use the computer,for, if he does all the other Grand Poobahs will come along and strip him of his Poobahness.

At the office I could be scarfing down a lunch while still inputting my data entry or writing contracts or checking court records while the pile of work at my elbow is ever growing. And then the phone rings and my work comes to a screeching halt because not only can Grand Poobahs not use the computer but heaven forbid should the owner of the company answer his own phone despite the fact that he claims we are partners. I guess I'm the computer doing, phone answering partner.

Oh and what is the Grand Poobah doing at this time? Maybe faxing something which means he has to sit at the computer while the fax feeds through the printe/scanner/fax AND play solitaire. I didn't know that solitaire is what makes faxes fax. Must be in the Grand Poobah book of life that I didn't get.

I hate the job. I hate it I hate it I hate it! I am trapped in an office with a Grand Poobah that has to vocalise every nit picky trivial nonsenseical thing that wanders through his head. But should I speak out of turn, I get the stinkey fish eye ans am silenced.

I'e had all of two hours sleep and am groggy and since I haven't washed my hair since who knows when I will have to ewash it to go to the office. I wonder what it takes to get pneumonia?

But the Grand Poobah's moment of the Greatest Poobahness occurred yeaterday morning. I had just finished hacking up a lung which robbed me of my voice and made my head throb and the Grand Poobah looks at me and asks me what I did with the salad dressing. Did he look in the fridge? NO. Or down in the cabinets in the basement? NO. He thought he'd ask me because this way he doesn't have to think of the answer for himself. Why of course let me do your thinking for you. At least thoughts will get thunk.

One more thing. Never ask the Grand Poobah to make the son's lunch because the instructions fluster him when I go too fast and I had to stand in the kitchen hacking up a lung against the sleeve of my shirt trying Not to spew my germs around which is why I askd the Grand Poobah to MAKE the lunch, while he needed to be directed with turkey on white with mayonaise and when I hinted that there should be more than one slice of lunchmeat on the bread he turned on my with hate in his eyes and tole me to stap making him feel stupid. Hey buster I know how to make a sandwhich and YOU asked for MY help.

The office is going to be a real pipsidoodle today. I can feel it.

BTW, anyone need a lung, I have one right here freshly caught.

Tra la

Things I've noticed.

Those E Harmony commercial where the woman says that as I business owner she needed someone else to find her Mr Right. Take a look at her "business" when the commercial comes on again. She has a metal belt hanger affixed to one wall with stringy looking necklaces on it and across from that is a rack of dresses EXACTLY ALIKE!!! Not to mention ugly as well. What in God's name does she do all day that keeps her so busy. Perhaps she first arranges the blue denim dresses by size, then by color and then by price and then starts all over again. I really do hope for her sake this isn't the interior of her business but some poorly done set used to make the commercial. At least she isn't as bad as the Lee guy in another dating commercial. He looks like he'd bite the heads off chickens and then kiss his wife with beheaded chicken on his breath.

I picked up a paperback mystery at the library... yes, I do read, and part way through wondered if the publishing houses even bother with proofreading any longer. I'm thinking they might just use spell check instead. You'll see aim where it should say I'm and the like. Well this book didn't stoop to something so prosaic. Let me set this up.

The main character was a 80 something ex English teacher who's fortyish, new mother daughter in law lived across the street. Daughter in law is taking the old biddy someplace and the old biddy is shocked that the DIL is wearing a track suit to go to their book club. Less than half a dozen lines later the DIL is answering the cell phone and rubbing a spot out on her skirt, while driving. I guess DIL somehow changed clothes while she was driving as well. But wait... old biddy EX ENGLISH TEACHER you have to remember that say BETWEEN Aletha, Kitty and Erma she's get some good gossip. AAAGGGGHHHHHHHH AMONG YOU MORON AMONG. You can only between two people and among more than two. Good god.

And the wandering apostrophe is back showing up on a dog treat package as KABOB'S. Is it Kabob is or something that the Kabob possesses? You would think that someone in the kabob factory would have mentioned that maybe the apostrophe wasn't quite necessary but maybe this apostrophe was a feral one who just showed up at the factory door and slipped in before anyone spotted it.
NOw I'm not claiming to be the brightest bulb. I finally understood that commercial for Kay Jewlers and their "Every Kiss begins with Kay." slogan. Duh. Can I redeem myself by knowing that a Hippo is NOT a predator? And that adverbs usually have an ly at the end? Oh and I never named either of my sons Toto or Prince or any of the other weird names I run across while doing data entry. And that the Norse god of snow is Ullr (tho I have no idea how to pronounce it.)

What's with

the weird comments lately? Things about boots and what not. Does someone actually think that I would go buy Ugg boots because an Ugg Boots pimp sent me a comment telling me to? Ha! They didn't reckon with me and my keen brain... I know why they named them UGG boots cause they are UGGly. I could make people sign in when they want to comment but why? If I don't want people commenting on what I'm doing or to read my blog then why put it out there in the first place. HInt hint.
Lttle dog Ollie and Rocco the Wonder Dog love the cold weather. With Ollie's tumor removal last month the vet shaved his back end and now he resembles a little lion and the more snow he can roll in and the more snow he can bring into the house the better he likes it. Rocco just gallops, grinning from ear to ear, leaping into the air, stopping dead and taking off in an instant in another direction. Right now however, he's asleep and snoring. Even wonder dogs get tired out.
Most mornings when we go into the office we have no heat and I wear my coat until after noon. There's a switch to be thrown and the guy in the next office never bothers to do so when he comes in before us. We ave a portable heater in the office that eventually warms the place up but my feet get so cold, I'm afraid my toes with break off and rattle around in my shoes like marbles.
The husband is on a diet. His doctor wants him to lose 20 pounds in hopes that it can head off the diabetes he is developing. I have a doc appointment in March for a physical and the price of it makes me want to scream. I mean $400.00 for a physical? But if I want my meds and I can't sleep without them.... off to the doc's I go.
Boring year so far and I hope it stays that way. Fingers crossed.

Oh and I did a naughty but it wasn't my fault because I never set out to do the nauty but it does make me want to laugh. Ok cackle like a deranged idiot.

ND