Doubts

I'm not sure that I'm cracked up to be 'She Who Answers THe Phone And Womanns the Office'. Its depressing as hell to have complete strangers break down on the phone when they talk about losing their home. I wanted to reach out and hug the sobbing woman today. I wanted to pullher close and tell her that everything will be ok. I couldn't and so I listened and it brought up all the fears I live with every single day. She was sad and angry and terrified. The part she hated the most was the terrified part. Then she slid into a panic attack and I tried to talk her through it. She decided to go take a half of one of her dog's valium so that she could calm down and stop her compulsive vomiting.
Somehow I managed to help her a bit, she didn't sound so rocky once we hung up. She's not even a client and probably won't become one. It's that stupid need of mine that drives me to help everyone I run across. I buy candy bars for grocery clerks and stifle my impatience when I'm stuck behind a senior citizen cart leaner, all the while feeling inside that I'm held together by cheap dollar store tape that will yellow and crack at any moment. I'm not doing myself any good so why can't I stop?
So then comes these people who are losing their homes and are emotional wrecks. Then comes the days with no calls at all and no income. Is it any wonder that I am losing my hair? Oh not my head hair... that would be too normal. It's my body hair. I haven't had to shave under my arms since my last physical in July of 2005. That propbably means something, this new hairlesness of mine but I don't care enough to go to the doctor. I don't have to shave, that in itself would be a reason to let things be. Only my hair doesn't grow either and I would love to know what it would be like to have hair long enough to actually style. But then I guess I would pnly pull it out when I failed to help someone again.
I swear my mind feels like a mouse running on an endless wheel.