Misery

I feel as if I have a burning lump of coal square in the middle of my chest and I can't shake it. I've asked my guardian angels to help and I know they will in their own time but I want it gone now. There is too much going on in my life for me to be at ease and I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me how everything is going to come out even if the news is bad. I hate not knowing and I hate having to wait for anything. Sigh. The husband keeps saying everything will be alright because it usually is but it's as if I have a nasty person in my head whispering dire things in my ear. (no I don't hear voices I'm just trying to describe what my mind is like). I'll go skipping along feeling all well and content and then WHAM!!! something surfaces in my brain and throws me for a loop.
My deceased mother always said that my father's side of the family was 'nervy' that everyone is on something and that they can't handle emergencies. I must have gotten it from that side of the family but at least we nervy people know we are nervy and take something for it. For me my prozac isn't enough but I have a physical in a couple of weeks and will discuss upping the dose AGAIN or trying something new.
I'm not suicidal though I can understand those who do take their lives. Sometimes death looks welcoming but with the way I am I can see me in heaven fretting about what is going on on earth. Yes, I am egotistical enough to count on going to heaven, even though my brain magnifies my wrong doings. Not too long ago something I did as a kid came back to me, something very non threatening to anyone, and I was awash with guilt. I'll be 56 this February and something almost 50 years in the past comes along and torments me. I can't change the past so I try to make up for it now, though some people wouldn't believe it. I'm not perfect but I am trying to be a little less imperfect. I hope I'm winning.